The Necropolitan Sentinel

There’s no better way to express one’s displeasure with society than by stockpiling unsold sneakers from Foot Locker. The American mall standby has been a particularly attractive target across the pond for naughty British subjects who are expressing their desire for social justice by taking things while destroying other things.

British Tea Partiers are doing it wrong. The projectile throwers and rather active shoplifters are employing every leftist cliché as they ply their execrable trade.

For one, the supposedly aggrieved were reacting to cops doing something, which they always assume is bad. They issued their standard response that an officer shot a drug dealer without justification, a knee-jerk claim which itself was unjustified. Regardless, it in turn led to super-righteous people protesting oh so peacefully.

Actually waiting to see whether facts determine the correctness of one’s views about an incident is for people who give cops the benefit of the doubt—not those who commit random arson. I remember when I smashed up a Starbucks due to my outrage when a jury allowed Casey Anthony to return to party life.

Or maybe they’re breaking the nation because they have to compensate for not getting enough free stuff from the Queen. Specifically, they think it’s acceptable to steal fun consumer goods because the government isn’t spending as much on them as they desire. In 1666, the Great Fire of London was shamefully blamed on Catholics; in 2011, the Great Arson of London is shamefully blamed on conservatives.

Worst of all, the doling state caused the precise rotten economic circumstances that mire the proles in poverty: taking money from earners and handing it to loafers benefits neither party. Using federal cuts as justification for smashing the property of others is as foolish as blaming the Tea Party for the unbearably excessive spending in a deal that caused America’s credit downgrade. Oh, wait…

But incinerating their own neighborhoods may not precisely improve thugs’ financial circumstances. Few people will patronize establishments that are ablaze. On top of that, it’s not as if shop owners will be in a rush to rebuild on the ashes. Retailers who have seen their storefronts wrecked will do the same thing anyone does after wealth is confiscated: they’ll pack up and stop producing.

I’m beginning to suspect that the rioters didn’t think ahead. Of course, they don’t have to worry about facing consequences for tearing apart cities on account of how the British are still sans a Bill of Rights. Forget not having to quarter troops: they could really use a Second Amendment right now.

While it’s little comfort to law-abiding Londoners who are defenselessly fearing for their lives, the riots prove how quickly evil spreads when innocent people are denied the right to acquire firearms. They’re left to fight back with only cricket bats à la Shaun of the Dead. Aiming for the head may be good advice when surrounded by raging lunatics, but it’s still requires getting uncomfortably close to one’s attacker.

On a related note, zombie movies aren’t feasible if they’re set in America. In reality, everyone would just head to the roofs, fire away at the staggering horde, and halt the incursion before cocktail hour.

Rules for coping with looters state that survivors will be shot again. The difference is that the undead don’t have a choice to pursue brain consumption; by contrast, those who have filled their track suit pockets with illicitly-obtained iDevices possess enough self-awareness to know that they’re being bad.

But maybe it’s just that the misunderstood hoodlums need someone to speak on their behalf. London looters could use a community organizer to excuse their abhorrent behavior as a product of injustice, and claim that the cure is more federal investment.

I know just the guy: he hates his current job, and wants to get back to a career more suitable for a smooth-talking loudmouth. Barack Obama would be so much happier if he were whining on behalf of the oppressed glass-smashers on a different continent. We’d be happier, too.

As for now, it’s so frightening in the land of the Avengers and Paddington Bear that even hooligans are afraid to go outside. The only way chase away the gloom caused by hearing about unchecked rage is to drown it out by playing painfully obvious songs that spring to mind like “Panic” by The Smiths and “London’s Burning” by The Clash; such music is the closest thing available to catharsis. Unlike the pathetic excuses for vile criminals, some things never get boring no matter how often one hears them.

Anthony Bialy is a writer and Red Eye conservative in New York City. He tweets at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy.

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