The Necropolitan Sentinel

I don’t know who better to do it, frankly. Breitbart is known as being a fairly uncompromising guy. It has been an acrimonious couple of years, and . . . let’s face it: no matter who gets nominated and elected, it’s not going to be any walk in the park. All these candidates are deeply flawed, and few of us will want to whistle while we work this year. No matter what.

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The back story here has to do with two towns: one (let’s call it “Washington, D.C.”) is on the fancy East Coast, and is home to two forts. There’s one called the Norquist Corral, where fiscal conservatives keep a sharp lookout—and also a superbly reinforced encampment called Ultra-SoCon Land.

And, unfortunately, almost as much ordnance gets spent exchanging fire between those two locations as is discharged in the direction of wasteful reps on Capitol Hill and arrogant executives in the White House.

The second town is located on the West Coast; let’s refer to this one as “Los Angeles.” In this particular town, a corrupt lawman we call Sheriff Hollywood has been keeping conservative townsfolk down for decades.

Finally, one day a brave citizen called Gary Cooper Sinise rode in on a white horse, formed a posse, and began cleaning up after the corrupt sheriff and his ruffians. He was assisted ably by his right-hand man, Andrew Breitbart—who pulled in some talent of his own, such as Calamity Tammy Bruce, Larry “One-Shot” Elder (and his Elderados), and Hugh “Deadly” Hewitt. But most important were a crowd of good, decent townspeople who, to this day, cannot let their real faces be seen, lest their daily bread be yanked away by Sheriff Hollywood.

“We’ve got to stick together,” the Beleaguered Citizens exclaimed. “And, by the way, we are in the minority . . . we get that there is a debate over gay marriage, but isn’t that something that should be left up to the states, particularly while people are trying to figure out whether it can be done without riding roughshod over our religious folk? And . . . we got no call to be kicking the gays out: they’re some of our best people. And ain’t it ironic, but some of ‘em shoot real straight. Plus, we work with ‘em every day. Let’s not be making arguments where there ain’t none. Not for real, anyway.”

“‘Sides . . . who’s gonna do our makeup without ‘em? An’ who’s gonna fix up our scripts? Who’s gonna be buildin’ our sets?”

Around this time, the citizens under the thumb of Sheriff Hollywood heard tell of an organization out in that fancy Eastern Seaboard town, Washington, that didn’t want to get caught up in that namby-pamby gay marriage stuff one way or t’other, but just concentrate on fighting the evil West Coast Sheriff, the wasteful city slickers on Capitol Hill, and the biggest, baddest, most corrupt Marshal of ‘em all: President Cronypants, in his East Coast Hideout. That organization was called GOProud, and it was led by the daredevil sharpshooter Chris Barron.

At that point, the folks in Ultra-SoCon Land starting shooting wildly, raining insults and hot lead—and claiming that the GOProud riders were doing what they called “homosexual advocacy,” rather than just fighting off Sheriff Hollywood and President Cronypants.

It was a big old mess, and Gary Sinise was caught up workin’ his ranch . . . uh, shooting his crime series . . . to step in.

The UltraSoCons got the folks at GOProud kicked out of CPAC 2012, and Andrew Breitbart stood by GOProud . . . until Chris Barron said something that got Breitbart crosswise with Barron, and they had to talk it out, man-to-man.

At that point, Barron released Breitbart from his promise to stay home this winter, and acted the gentleman. Barron now stands by Breitbart as the latter takes some of his posse back to the bad old East Coast, to tell us-all we have to stop fightin’ each other, and concentrate on those evil lawmen who pervert the law, Hollywood and Cronypants. Breitbart’s even going to ask that the two forts in D.C. concentrate their fire on the real enemies, and stop sniping at each other.

He says that we should be peaceable-like with each other.

Quoth Reverend Breitbart, as he exchanges his minister’s collar for a single-shot pistol:

The Republican establishment, together with social conservatives, libertarians and the Tea Party, waged war against the Obama administration, the public sector unions, the mainstream media, the Occupy Wall Street Movement and the Progressive movement, writ large. And simultaneously, in these terrible economic times and our new, challenging political reality, we were unfortunately, too often, fighting each other.

I have been a steadfast combatant in the trenches against the organized left, with the scalps and scars to prove it.

Yet the last year has had me often fighting our own. In the heat of the great battle over ideas, I argued with CPAC and the American Conservative Union on behalf of GOProud, and I argued against GOProud on behalf of privacy and civility.

I realize now, as the great debate of 2012 unfolds, that being MIA from the battlefield in the most important election of our lifetime is exactly the wrong decision. . . .

I have decided to accept CPAC’s gracious offer to speak on the theme of unity and the GOP Big Tent. We need to unite in 2012. White, black, gay and straight. Tea Party, Social Conservatives, establishment types, Libertarians and Neo-Cons, alike. We all must find common ground. Not just for the sake of winning this monumental election. But to reclaim the Big Tent, Big Party mantle of the man who united us best, Ronald Reagan.

Yet I promise my speech won’t be all Kumbaya talk. No, sirree. I will step up to the podium and in no uncertain terms declare 2012 a call to arms.

Now, if’n those folks in those old conservative forts in D.C. can cease-fire with each other and stop their carryin’ on, we might be fixin’ to win this thing.

But we gotta do it together. Because it ain’t gonna be easy.