TACOMA, WA — A baby shower in a private home was struck by three 122mm shells, demolishing the structure as the Republican Party upped the ante in its War on Women. “The women were at the part of the shower where they pass around a diaper with chocolate smeared inside,” said Republican Party spokesmen Ken Allwhite. “We got most of them with the first two shells, then air burst a cluster round to finish off the wounded, or anyone trying to flee with the bassinet.”
Since resuming control of Congress last year, Republicans have intensified their attacks against women—employing 122 and 155mm howitzers, as well as air strikes using ‘smart’ munitions. Boasted Allwhite, “There was a Mary Kay party going on in Beaumont, Texas inside an apartment building. We quietly entered the structure, and evacuated all the men before calling in an air strike.” A B-2 bomber dropped a 2,000 pound JDAM bomb that obliterated the building, leaving behind only charred mascara wands. Allwhite says the use of heavier munitions has not replaced standard tactics.
“Our sniper teams are still very active. They’ll often bait a kill-zone outside a Bed Bath & Beyond with a book of wedding pictures.” Eventually, Allwhite and the other Republicans hope to eliminate most women so as to stay out late drinking with their buddies. “We’re not fanatics. If we kill all women, who will serve us beer?”