TACOMA, WA — A baby shower in a private home was struck by three 122mm shells, demolishing the structure as the Republican Party upped the ante in its War on Women. “The women were at the part of the shower where they pass around a diaper with chocolate smeared inside,” said Republican Party spokesmen Ken Allwhite. “We got most of them with the first two shells, then air burst a cluster round to finish off the wounded, or anyone trying to flee with the bassinet.”
Since resuming control of Congress last year, Republicans have intensified their attacks against women—employing 122 and 155mm howitzers, as well as air strikes using ‘smart’ munitions. Boasted Allwhite, “There was a Mary Kay party going on in Beaumont, Texas inside an apartment building. We quietly entered the structure, and evacuated all the men before calling in an air strike.” A B-2 bomber dropped a 2,000 pound JDAM bomb that obliterated the building, leaving behind only charred mascara wands. Allwhite says the use of heavier munitions has not replaced standard tactics.
“Our sniper teams are still very active. They’ll often bait a kill-zone outside a Bed Bath & Beyond with a book of wedding pictures.” Eventually, Allwhite and the other Republicans hope to eliminate most women so as to stay out late drinking with their buddies. “We’re not fanatics. If we kill all women, who will serve us beer?”
jefferson101 on March 14, 2012 at 10:01 pm said:
“We’re not fanatics. If we kill all women, who will serve us beer?”
Clearly, this is not the Conservative wing of the Republican Party of which you are speaking. It sounds more like a bunch of wealthy RINO’s to me. Us real Conservatives can train our dog to fetch us a beer, but we also know that it’s really difficult to train the dog to make us a sammich.
That, Sir, is what the women are for.
jefferson101 on March 14, 2012 at 10:04 pm said:
Having explained that, jefferson101 now retires under his computer desk before Ms. McCann reaches through the monitor and smacks him alongside the head with a large fish.
Starless on March 14, 2012 at 11:22 pm said:
Rumor has it that in an attempt to bring a quick victory in the War on Women, General Atomics is now fitting MQ-9 Reapers with next generation Forward Looking Estrogen sensors. Granted, the Reaper is expensive, but with its long loiter time we can ensure that no quaint B&B will go unpatrolled and millions of men will be saved from endless hours of soul-crushing antiquing and purse-holding duty. Can we really not afford to deploy them?
Joy McCann on March 15, 2012 at 4:40 am said:
You and Jefferson are on double-secret probation . . .
Starless on March 15, 2012 at 7:32 am said:
I kind of figured that.
jefferson101 on March 15, 2012 at 11:50 am said:
As long as that doesn’t mean that I have to run for Senate……
Starless on March 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm said:
Or see Donald Sutherland’s naked butt.
Ling Carter on March 15, 2012 at 12:38 am said:
It’s a shame we don’t fight as furiously in Afghanistan.
Tom Ruegger on March 16, 2012 at 4:17 am said:
I distinctly recall Ling Carter’s interview with Soupy Sales. The article was a spirited profile of a comedy legend, marred only by Mr. Carter’s decision to include lengthy quotes from Soupy’s side kick and pet White Fang. After a few paragraphs of nothing but “Ugh-ugh ugh, bleugh uhghh ugh ughh, bleugh blahh!!” I stopped reading.
Ling Carter on March 16, 2012 at 1:03 pm said:
The constraints of old school journalism compelled me to quote White Fang accurately.
Starless on March 16, 2012 at 3:53 pm said:
Kids these days just don’t appreciate the Art of the Interview.
jefferson101 on March 16, 2012 at 8:19 pm said:
I keep trying to explain that to my son, the newspaper Editor. You don’t have to go hunt down stories and quotes. Just go with “Fake, but Accurate”.
King Shamus on March 16, 2012 at 10:05 pm said:
“Republican Party spokesmen Ken Allwhite”
I see what you did there.