The Necropolitan Sentinel

Thanks to Jerry Wilson, we know that Margot Magowan, heiress of the former owner of the San Francisco Giants, writes a column for a San Francisco rag online. Ms. Magowan is pretty bent out of shape at the candy that shares her initials, because . . . stalking.

In the national magazines, Time has gone with a cover photo of a kid sucking on some blonde’s (presumably his mother’s) boob, and Newsweek is proclaiming Obama the first gay President, both boldly displayed in grocery store and supermarket aisles, but the outrage here is that M&Ms are being advertised by showing male candies trying to get a gander at female candies whose shells may or may not reveal something salacious. Why, wonders Margot, why must everything be sexualized?

Never mind that M&M’s advertising strategy is to mock everything’s sexualization in the advertising world, it is an outrage. These candies are giving children the very bad impression that it is humorous to stalk a woman candy like some kind of creepy Peeping Tom in a coconut tree. Whether San Francisco is too far north for coconut trees into which dirty-minded male candies with limbs can clamber to get a better look at female candies is neither here nor there. Children are so impressionable.

In one of the advertisements that so appall Ms. Magowan, a female M&M candy is urging people to go green by hugging a tree so as to cover her candy genitalia from public view. If I were to hazard a guess, I’d say she might be mocking PETA in this way, but to Ms. Magowan this is provocativeness for the sake of provocation. If you’re not part of the solution—and you can be, Ms. Magowan urges, by complaining to M&M on their Facebook page—you’re part of the problem. Of randy candy.

Female candy deserve better than that. They deserve a modicum of dignity, don’t you think? Good Lord, people, if you can’t get on board with this cause, with which can you get on board? Also, don’t bump uglies with horny male candies, especially if they’re not voting for Obama.

I’m not saying that it’s Ms. Magowan’s fault, either. It could be the hormones, or possibly “Mad Men.”

Women choose bad boys because their hormones make them, new research suggests. When ovulating a woman’s hormones influence who she sees as good potential fathers, and they specifically pick sexier men over obviously more dependable men.

“Previous research has shown in the week near ovulation women become attracted to sexy, rebellious and handsome men like George Clooney or James Bond,” study researcher Kristina Durante, of The University of Texas at San Antonio, said in a statement. “But until now it was unclear why women would ever think it’s wise to pursue long-term relationships with these kinds of men.”

I’m thinking that women who boink hot guys instead of dependable guys probably aren’t contemplating the wisdom of their choices when they’re about it, but then, I’m a guy, so the whole wisdom component of sex is out the window, anyway. When women don’t have their “ovulation goggles” on, they probably prefer Rick Moranis or Wilford Brimley, which might go a long way to explaining why hot, rebellious men have such trouble settling down. If men were more principled about sex (with women), they’d just omit ever to have it with them when when they’re ovulating.

I subscribe through RSS to several of these pseudo-science magazines, and I can report that in the past few months, as the general election approaches, they’ve gotten worse and worse, and more shrilly filled with thinly disguised leftist propaganda. Who’s funding these ventures? Or maybe they’re just ovulating? It’s hard to say.

Pre-historic men have apparently been carving likenesses of women’s genitalia into rocks for quite a long time, possibly just in case Rick Perry should ever decide to run for POTUS, but also to parody their would-be mistresses and (since we’re talking about France, here) to make a clever deconstructive statement by placing the vulva on the inside of the cave.

The new discovery, uncovered at a site called Abri Castanet in France, consists mainly of circular carvings most likely meant to represent the vulva. The carvings were etched into the ceiling of a now-collapsed rock shelter about 37,000 years ago, researchers reported Monday (May 14) in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Thank God we live in the Age of Fleshlight.

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