The Necropolitan Sentinel

More lady-compositing from the most authentic, unprecedented and historic president ever in the history of history.

It’s womb-to-tomb time, ladies!

Age 3:

Julia is enrolled in a Head Start program to help get her ready for school. Because of steps President Obama has taken to improve programs like this one, Julia joins thousands [!!!] of students across the country who will start kindergarten ready to learn and succeed.

Age 17:

Julia takes the SAT and is on track to start her college applications. Her high school is part of the Race to the Top program [which is totally not like that program Bush had. Gawd! Don't you hate that Bush guy? He ruined everything!], implemented by President Obama. Their new college- and career-ready standards mean Julia can take the classes she needs to do well.

Age 18:

As she prepares for her first semester of college, Julia and her family qualify for President Obama’s American Opportunity Tax Credit—worth up to $10,000 over four years. Julia is also one of millions of students who receive a Pell Grant [which will be financed with hopes, dreams-of-our-fathers, and lots of Chinese cash] to help put a college education within reach [with absolutely no certainty that the Obama economy will have a job for her afterwards].

Age 22:

During college, Julia undergoes surgery. It is thankfully covered by her insurance due to a provision in health care reform that lets her stay on her parents’ coverage until she turns 26. [The extra cost of which is borne by everyone else. Thanks neighbor!]

Age 23:

Because of steps like the Lilly Ledbetter [un]Fair Pay Act, Julia is one of millions of women across the country who knows she’ll always be able to stand up for her right to equal pay. She starts her career as a web designer [because that's the kind of job chicks in IT get].

Age 25:

After graduation, Julia’s federal student loans are more manageable since President Obama capped income-based federal student loan payments and kept interest rates low. She makes her payments on time every month [AHAHAHA!!], keeping her on track to repay her student loans.

Age 27:

For the past four years, Julia has worked full-time as a web designer. Thanks to Obamacare, her health insurance is required to cover birth control and preventive care, letting Julia focus on her work rather than [an inconvenient pregnancy and a the resulting child which will cramp her upwardly mobile lifestyle, not to mention creating a larger carbon footprint and thus bringing more misery into the world].

Age 31:

Julia decides to have a child [somehow without a man]. Throughout her pregnancy, she benefits from maternal checkups, prenatal care, and free screenings under health care reform, [again without a man bringing heteronormative gender roles and oppression into the mix].

Age 37:

Julia’s son Zachary starts kindergarten. The public schools in their neighborhood have better facilities and great teachers because of President Obama’s investments in education and programs like Race to the Top [paid for with a giant pile of Monopoly money].

Age 42:

Julia starts her own web business. She qualifies for a Small Business Administration loan, giving her the money she needs to invest in her business [because going to a private bank to get a loan only serves enrich the evil 1%-ers]. President Obama’s tax cuts for small businesses like Julia’s help her to get started. She’s able to hire employees, creating new jobs in her town and helping to grow the local economy.

Age 65:

Julia enrolls in Medicare, helping her to afford preventive care and the prescription drugs she needs.

Age 67:

Julia retires. After years of contributing to Social Security, she receives monthly benefits that help her retire comfortably, without worrying that she’ll run out of savings. This allows her to volunteer at a community garden [and fritter away her time until...].

Age 68:

[It's death panels and live organ donor transplant time Julia.]

I have to echo what David Harsanyi wrote about this, “It is one of the most brazenly statist pieces of campaign literature I can ever remember seeing.”

Amen to that, brother.

Note: Composite image Cecaelia taken from here.

[UPDATE]

NRO is getting in on the act:

First the dog-eating, then the Commie“Forward” slogan, the imaginary composite girlfriends, and now this vision of the New Soviet Woman — the wheels are coming off the once-crack Obama campaign. Where is Jake Lingle when they really need him? Did the surviving Pythons reunite to storyboard this farce?

What’s happening, of course, is that the mask is finally slipping, which means either that the “Marxist professors and structural feminists” who put Obama through his paces are ridiculously over-confident that they’ve made the case for socialism to the voting public and think everyone understands that there will be a lot more of the same come a second term; or they’re hysterical and have decided to go down in November with a great Bronx cheer directed against traditional American virtues, all of which they cordially despise.

Though I’m skeptical about this:

It’s not just that each of its elements can be easily parodied, it’s that every single one of them is a perfectly common feature of contemporary satire, and the whole thing — right down to the fact that it is a web slideshow that can be very easily aped by countless clever and tech-savvy smart-alecks sitting underemployed in front of computers right now — feels like a joke and yet isn’t.

It’s going to be very very difficult for the purveyors of knowing sarcasm in the hipster-industrial complex to resist this provocation, even though openly mocking Barack Obama will feel uneasy and unnatural at first.

I have my doubts that the “tech-savvy smart alecks” in the “hipster-industrial complex”, at least the ’08 true-believers, will start to do a job that’s already being done on the Right. Yes, Jon Lovitz offered a little hope, but I think that was the exception, not the rule.