Narrowing down the dumbest things Barack Obama has said as president is like picking a favorite Ramones song: you can produce 20 instant examples and still come up with 20 more, and each is correct. The cretin has been hopping through his term proving that everything he thinks is wrong, including his inflated sense of what a swell public speaker he is. Other than substance and delivery, he's fine.
The greatest orator since the dawn of orator-ing says so much when he speaks, none of it good. Narrowing his five most painful quotes is the only tougher challenge than running a business under Obamanomics, even when leaving out live fumbles of the impossibly skilled speaker such as “Three proud words: 'Made in the USA'” or his embarrassingly emblematic “57 states” remark. While such goofs may reveal his struggles with arithmetic, the things he intends to say are far more frightening. Here goes the gag-inducing countdown:
1) "I don't think that we would consider them an ally, but we do not consider them an enemy.” What is Egypt? The question has dogged philosophers for ages, and even the one and only true genius that is the incumbent hasn't assembled a satisfactory answer. Amateur observers think that this “Egypt” is a disintegrating cesspool of thuggish Islamist contempt for anything accomplished during a four-digit year, but that's way too unsophisticated a view for our State Department.
Perhaps it's best that he hobnobs with famous pals instead of trying to make up a foreign policy as he speaks. Obama is working diligently to keep our interests safe when he's not busy hanging out with the “bitch ain't one” guy and “ring on it” lady. Yet the world burns despite his promises as if dreamy speeches don't match accomplishments and in fact weaken our redoubts. Does he have anything else to say to make our enemies embrace us? Salam alikoum, indeed.
2) “If you see it when you go to a bank you use the ATM, you don't go to a bank teller.” By flashing thorough ignorance of how anything in this world works, this remark stands as criminally stupid even by his woeful standard. Or maybe those who think computerized ingenuity enhances our lives are too dumb to realize that funding ATM-smashing jobs would help make the next stimulus a rousing success. Kill the money sorcery contraptions with fire!
With one remarkably obtuse sentence, he wholly disregarded the convenience of automation, jobs in cash-dispensing technology, the way people are freed from being tellers, the force of progress, and the goddamn fact that people chose to use these machines and shouldn't be falsely accused of creating joblessness.
The president may as well call to ban air conditioning because it hurts beach workers. Despite his most inane slogan, he's against anything that moves forward. Jobs are the result of thriving, not the cause, except when he loses his.
3) “This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility.” Transmit this to Vladimir, jackass: kowtowing to global bullies puts our lives in danger, not just our checkbooks. His pledge to take a slug of vodka before grabbing his ankles further shows that he truly reveals who he is only when he thinks the public isn't listening. A president assuming any conversation will remain private is yet another reflection of his unparalleled intelligence.
Obama casually announced that he expected to win months before an election. Also, George W. Bush was the arrogant one. But at least fans of a limited government and strong America can be thankful it's his last election. That's one of the few honest things he's ever said.
4) “I'm no longer just a candidate, I'm the president.” Enjoy it, you child. There's not one other president who would have dared spew such a pathetically juvenile sneer. The necessity of verbally establishing such a fact would never pass through the thoughts of any even remotely competent executive. At least he didn't stick out his tongue and say “nyah-nyah.”
Obama's impossibly bratty taunting offers a reminder that his cult of miserable personality cares for his interests and not America's. But what else can he do? There are no accomplishments about which to brag except winning, so a small president and man brags away.
5) “You didn't build that.” Making fun of the four words that embody Obama's mandatory communality is so obvious, yet so necessary. Overlooking it would be like ranking the late Neil Armstrong's accomplishments and not listing the Moon landing, although our president found a disgustingly shameful way to insert himself into an American hero's passing, too.
His overtly partisan moan squad still hisses about a context that only makes the individual-disregarding sound worse. Campaign volunteers in the media act as if the government hands out businesses, which is why every citizen has gotten rich off one. Credit the roads and not those who worked their tails off to put something alongside them. Brains are overrated, as well, comrade.
Speaky McTalkerson's revealing unprepared remarks along with the words he reads off screens combine to offer a ghastly portrait of someone who doesn't need America to be powerful on account of his own supernatural abilities. He can even redefine words, as a “gaffe” is now what happens when he mistakenly utters what he actually thinks; consider it another word twisted by Obama like “stimulus” or “marriage.” His administration finally figured out what a terrorist attack is; it was eventually self-evident.
There are so many honorary mentions for puzzlingly obnoxious or stupefyingly obtuse remarks by the tin-tongued president that a box set-length compilation is in order. The only thing worse than what he says is what he does.
Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. He tweets at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy.