It's good to be different, right? The chief message of the government-funded ghetto-dwelling Muppet documentary Sesame Street is to be oneself, and yet liberals who think the program is important enough to require taxpayer funding demand that we conform with the pitiful standards of nations that are viewed as inferior for good reason. Running for president is just a popularity contest, at least to voters who are more concerned with impressing global bums and rogues than letting them know who's boss.
Why are we here? To get drunk? Yes, but Americans are specifically in this place because we're not like the rest of the world. With our dedication to preservation of liberty, we should be happy when the rest of the world doesn't like us. Not to be mean, but the feeling's mutual, except for how we usually have a case.
Instead, countries ranging from silver medalists to false starters are ecstatic with enough American voters deciding that they'd cast the nation in the mold of a mediocre welfare state that outsiders will then gleefully state doesn't fare well. Of course countries who use languages that don't have a word for “exceptional” are pleased with Barack Obama's class leveling: they're sick of us ruining the grade curve. This world is a party school.
We set the standard, and everyone else should copy our hem length. The dirt traders and mud farmers that comprise most of the world past America-adjacent lands and oceans should be attempting to imitate our ways, not the other way around.
Reality will sadly force aping in a most negative way: like America, Earth's other bordered regions really need to bottom out before initiating a more adult budgeting process that leads to people being able to have jobs other than throwing rocks at riot cops. Just believing that nice words will create a better world is why there are so many panhandler nations.
The only thing worse than the conditional love foreigners have for America is the conditions. They are ready to embrace our country after we reject our values and settle for fading as if we were Greece and Spain's doomed child.
But enough needy Americans were willing to do the bidding of universal misery agents that our nation may soon be defined by the dull chaos seen so frequently elsewhere. Getting communal at the expense of autonomy is much of the world's way, especially with so many here sadly picking to go on the dole. Again, it's no wonder that those abroad embrace Obama's grand project to diminish a country resented for its success, Bill of Rights, and limitless bottled barbeque sauce options. Even more, electing a black president covers for Europe's omnipresent racism. There we go bailing them out again.
Expect Obama to celebrate his renewed popularity in Earth's skankier quarters by attempting to literally kiss some tyrannical asses unless his bodyguards can stop him before he reaches his ChapStick. Bowing was just a stretching routine, as ruling goons promise to see our president as an equal as long he flaunts an attitude of inferiority.
America should always desire to be the subject of envy for proper reasons. This remarkable enterprise has historically tried to pursue usefully honorable outcomes with our remarkable capabilities, and we're naturally resented for it.
Treating Spider-Man like a vigilante freak is the gratitude he gets for trying to punch that blasted Sandman into submission. The Marvel Universe's New York only appreciates him when crime spikes upon the occasions he disappears. Similarly, other countries will be back to hating our radioactive blood once we've saved them again, but America knows that you can't punch muggers for the sole purpose of a reward.
This planet's most thankless job is setting a good example. And a slight majority of U.S. voters decided they didn't want to do it anymore. But someone has to fight the world's felons, unless the plan is to make the economy so indolent that nothing is worth stealing.
A declining nation can be spotted by its desire to pursue what's popular and not right. We may as well make foreign policy decisions by polling the UN General Assembly, as those who loathe democracy would finally enjoy it in action.
Or perhaps a some majorities shouldn't win. Recall what your mom said about your friends jumping off a bridge, which makes her more qualified to be the next Secretary of State than Susan Rice.
But now, we've joined the queue at the span's halfway point to take the plunge. Income-flattening pacifists are always going to flaunt their hypocrisy by telling us what do to. The problem is that too many of us listened to the worst source of advice, namely those who want us to be as miserable as them.
Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. He tweets at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy.