This perfectly Bizarro administration is libertarian as long as it pertains to foreign policy. Everything is inverted in classic Barack Obama style, as he needles citizens while letting the world run about unsupervised. Aside from a rather active drone policy which Rand Paul spent a little more than half a day documenting, the president is rather lackadaisical about threats.
The one place America can't afford to be hands off is everywhere else, but we're letting tinpot nuke collectors and self-aggrandizing quasi-commie lunkheads set their own life paths. Dealing with global goons is not the occasion to apply free market principles, and yet he stops meddling only when someone threatens our natural rights.
Obama is confused about Charles Bronson's motivations during “Death Wish.” With that in mind, the new offensive defense secretary is ready to blame Israel for provoking the region's basest savages by existing. Bagel-hating knuckle-dragger Chuck Hagel tries to assuage the American public by claiming that his job merely requires him to sit at his desk in the center of the Pentagon and count the sides to ensure they're all in place.
Unlike the average American entrepreneur, Iran is free to choose its path. With turning sand into glass as the only science experiment that interests Persian troglodytes, they're ready to complete the dreams started with their garbage revolution and partially realized through Hamas and stolen elections.
Luckily for Iran, we live in an atrociously-run world where the phrase “Luckily for Iran” makes sense. Expect Obama to feign a tummy ache that keeps him from working on the day he's asked to attack the Middle East mafia's atom-splitting concerns.
It's official: the most decisive president of our time has concluded that he has an opinion about Egypt, although he's still not sure what it is. Our government's only firm stance is that they are committed to giving aid and selling fighter planes to lunatic radicals whose heads reside in the eighth century.
Unofficially, the administration is fine with letting a country that hasn't built many rectangular buildings decline from a brutal autocracy that nonetheless knew better than to bother Israel or get too Islamy into an autocratic mess that's frightened of the technology displayed at renaissance faires. Egypt's chances of ever constructing buildings that are as wide at the top as at the bottom remain slim.
If you don't want to, say, be compelled to sign up for thin federal insurance, seize a nation abroad and let it teeter into bloody chaos. For example, Libya can do as it wishes without any worry about us leading from any position. Instead, the president will act like we're embarrassed anyone in America is upset that our ambassador's blood tainted Benghazi's soil.
Respecting the life choices of non-Americans is why Obama couldn't be bothered to intervene before, during, or after the murder of four of us. We are going to mind our own business and perhaps apologize for putting our people in a foreign country and daring to call the patch of land our territory.
Meanwhile, the presidency is imposing values, but only at home. He's letting Syria's ruling gangsters perpetrate a bloodbath against citizens deemed problematic because they dared dissent against the despots. But our internationally laissez-faire leader won't let Hobby Lobby offer a health plan to employees that fails to include birth control that can be acquired at any drugstore. Assad apparently deserves more liberty than Catholic business owners.
Things won't get better now that a man who can't be trusted in matters foreign or domestic is taking over the State Department, even if he's replacing an amorally calculating harpy. John Kerry has spent his career reminding America that his time in Vietnam entitles him to tax every rich person who didn't marry a ketchup heiress. Also, he's been on the wrong side of every single foreign policy debate. It's not much comfort that he'll frequently be out of the country.
He lurches while saying sorry. Jacques is joining a humiliatingly contrite administration halfway through an eight-year apology tour. It's his consolation prize for not getting to retire to some yacht after his second imaginary term as president acting just as his new boss would.
Treating all countries as cool will totally get us invited to the best prom after parties. Kids never like adults who are a drag with rules and whatnot, which is why we have such a childish foreign policy. We don't want anyone to be made to feel unwelcome, including those who think those charming Dark Ages were way more hip than current times.
Blaming Bush? How novel. Cool dad Obama feels bad about the divorce and overcompensates by letting the brats run wild. Sadly, he slacks off at the one aspect of government that's supposed to be at least slightly active. But don't worry, as it's just our safety on the line. We're right on schedule for two brutal terms of an executive who would rather mess with six-figure-earning Americans than Iranians who think their religion requires them to point nukes at Tel Aviv.
Zero-government is nobody's answer. Even libertarians want to have a few cops about, although arming them with Nerf guns may still not be sufficient. Either way, there's a difference between letting people live their lives and incompetently failing to prevent harm. And this is the sort of worldwide mess from which it will be difficult to recover. Screwing up the economy is repairable; screwing up the globe may not. Bother Ahmadinejad, not us.
Anthony Bialy is a writer and “Red Eye” conservative in New York City. Follow him at http://twitter.com/AnthonyBialy. Download a free ebook of his 2012 columns at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/270599.